What I Got from The Giver

While watching The Giver recently I finally figured out why I love to read (some) dystopian fiction. It was quite a mystery to me for awhile, because while I love many kinds of books--historical fiction, sci-fi, children's lit, fantasy, YA, mysteries, non-fiction (pretty much anything)--I'm not big fan of violence, or less-than-happy endings, so why do I enjoy (some) dystopian fiction?

Because it makes me think. And I love a book (or movie) that makes me think. Especially when it helps clarify and express thoughts I'd already been thinking.

That's why I add the caveat some dystopian fiction. I really dislike dystopian fiction if it is gratuitously violent and lacks any redeeming philosophical quality, like, say, The Maze Runner. I kept reading after the first book because I thought I knew where the series was going, but by the third book it was clear I'd been wrong, though I did slog it out to the end for the sake of completion. Ugh. I wish I hadn't.

On the other hand, I really enjoyed reading The Giver several years ago (I think it was my first dystopian novel), and watching the movie recently reminded me why.

The Giver starts out with a seemingly perfect society, where no one suffers, there is no crime, all material needs are provided for, and really there are no questions or unknowns. It is organized, logical, chaos-free.

I was fascinated. Wouldn't we all love to live in a world with no suffering, no doubts, no needs?

Of course the truth eventually emerges--this seemingly perfect world is missing something very important: love. That is impossible to experience in a world where all choice has been eliminated so there is no chance that anyone will experience pain. Yes, the possibility for bad and hurtful choices has been removed, but so has the possibility for good and loving choices.

Without freedom there can be no real love.

Without love, life isn't really worth living.

Living without pain is not worth living without love.

Turn it around and you have the message that suffering is a necessary byproduct of love, because true love requires the freedom to choose, which also by necessity requires the freedom to choose to hurt.

In other words, this secular dystopian novel articulates quite well the thoughts I have had in response to a question often asked of Christians: How can a good God let bad things happen?

It's a question I struggle with myself. I always seem to come back to the same conclusion: God could have made us robots who always choose to do the right thing. Then there would be no crime, no war. There would also be no love. And since love is one of God's defining characteristics, this would be an impossible state for creatures "made in his image."

He made us like him. Made us to love.

After all, the two greatest commandments, according to Jesus, are: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul, and love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:37-39).

The fact that these are commandments implies the truth communicated in The Giver--we have a choice as to whether we will or will not love.

Unfortunately, many people choose to not love--God, or others, or even themselves. That option must be available to them or true love is impossible. And that is the source of pain in our world. People choose to hurt, betray, deceive, abandon, dominate, bully, harass, neglect...the list goes on and on.

So...that's it? We're stuck with this sucky world, doomed to endure the consequences of other people's choices as well as our own, and the consolation prize is that we are capable of love (though it often proves elusive, thanks to that dratted free will thing)?

No, that's not it. Thank God he didn't abandon us to this horrid hell of our own making. He knew what would happen when he made humans with this freedom to choose; he knew what we would choose. So before he even made the world, he made a plan to rescue us from the consequences of our own choices, taking the worst of it upon himself.

This is what differentiates the Christian message from any dystopian fiction that I have read--it gives us hope that we can have love AND no suffering, eventually, in Heaven.

I, for one, am looking forward to that!

All or Nothing vs. Some and Something

I am a dreamer.
I am a planner.
I am a perfectionist.
And...I am a procrastinator.

Put it all together, and what do you get? Not a whole lot done, that's for sure.

Perhaps that's why my longest-running favorite quote (I have many of them, but this was the first to earn that distinction) is "Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little" by Edmund Burke.

That was always me. Doing nothing because I wanted to do EVERYTHING, and if I couldn't do everything, well...I would do nothing.

For most of my adult life I've been trying to overcome this very debilitating character flaw brought on by a perfect storm of otherwise helpful personality traits.

When I started working at my church as a graphic designer, I quickly became overwhelmed by the number of projects requiring a creative touch. My perfectionist designer habits were not helpful in this job! Thankfully a fellow perfectionist friend was also on staff, and as we worked together on one particular project, we coined a phrase that I have used as a reminder many times in the years since: "We can do it perfectly...or we can get it done."

Which has a lot to do with how/why I started blogging.

Along a similar vein, I have always empathized with Prince Henry in Ever After when he said, "I used to think, if I cared at all, I'd have to care about everything, and I'd go stark raving mad!" There are so many good causes out there that it can be overwhelming to consider getting involved in any of them--how do you choose?

So after taking Randy Alcorn's Theology of Money class at church last semester, I knew God wanted me to invest more in eternity by "looking after orphans and widows in their distress (as James described "perfect religion" in James 1:27)...but where to start?

My sister and I have been making candles for a few years now. We make them as gifts and sell a few, too...originally we'd dreamed of a business that would keep us both home with our kids, but we are too busy right now to bring that to fruition. (Or I am I just too much of a planner/perfectionist/procrastinator? Hmm...) Eventually I had hoped to turn enough profit to start a non-profit, so our candles could bring the light of hope to people around the world.

As I said, I am a dreamer.

And the planner/perfectionist/procrastinator in me had always said, "One day we might be able to do that."

But I am trying not to listen to that particular voice in my head any more.

Cue Edmund Burke! I may not be able to do much right now. I may not be able to do it perfectly. But what I can do, I want to do.

And right now, what I can do is sell the candles I have made and give the profits to charity.

So that's what I'm doing!

My sister was totally on board with the idea, so we had our first candle fundraiser last December. She was burdened to help homeless children after working with a class of homeless first graders. If we'd waited for my planner/perfectionist/procrastinator side to be satisfied with researching charities, we would never have given the money away. But I prayed about it, was reminded of the ministry to Phoenix's poor/homeless that Andrew's dad has interacted with in the past, and took the plunge.

We raised $50. It doesn't sound like much to me. But it was something. It was a start! And it was a blow to my paralyzing planner/perfectionist/procrastinator side.

Now we're doing another fundraiser, for Valentine's Day. I read an article in the Desert Shamrock about the sex-trafficking that takes place in my very own city, and a ministry that helps the victims. What a worthwhile cause!

Is it the only worthwhile cause? Is it the most worthwhile cause? Probably not, but you know what?

I can do it perfectly or I can get it done.

A journey of thousand miles begins with one step.

You eat an elephant one bite at a time.

Two steps forward and one step back.

Never put off 'till tomorrow what you can do today.

Did I miss any cliches about overcoming procrastination?

Swimming Lessons for Mommy

Am I the only one who compares myself to others?

Hmm...that was a comparison, wasn't it.

Yeah, I've got it bad.

I've been self-conscious for as long as I can remember, worrying about what other people think. But I didn't realize how much it affected me as a parent until our son entered the Goldfish class at his swim school.

I mean, sure, parents are always comparing their kid to other kids, right? It's not always a bad thing; my son was born three months after my sister's son, so we were constantly comparing notes about our boys' development and issues we encountered. This type of comparison can be a helpful way to identify (and learn how to deal with) problems.

But often comparison is less about helping our kids than it is a way to make ourselves feel better about our parenting. Am I right?

After all, parenting is a really scary thing. The nurse hands you this screaming, squirming, breakable little being, and somehow you're supposed to not only keep him or her alive but also magically know how to nurture this unique person into a responsible contributing member of society? That's scary!

It's a hard job, and we constantly wonder whether we're doing the right thing, and question our decisions, so when we see someone else's kid acting up or doing something our kid would never do (ahem, really?) is it any wonder that we give ourselves a little pat on the back? "At least I'm a better parent than THAT person," we secretly think.

Or maybe it's just me.

Such comparisons might seem like a harmless little ego boost at the time. But I've learned that they always come back to bite you.

For example, my son started swim lessons at the tender age of three months, and really excelled at first. I confess I had brief dreams of him competing in the Olympics someday. (Don't we all do that with our kids? Or am I the only one? Wait--comparing. Sorry!) And, yes, comparing his swimming with that of the other kids made me feel better about myself.

So imagine how it felt when the tables were turned on me and suddenly my kid was the one screaming instead of swimming.

We had taken a two month break from lessons when our second son was born, and when we came back, our firstborn had developed a fear of the pool that took a long time to work through. By the time he was back to his pre-sibling skill level, his peers had moved on to other classes.

Then he turned three and moved into Goldfish, his first class without mommy in the water with him. His teacher had assured me that this usually helped kids progress, but not my kid, apparently. While his classmates mastered skills and moved up to Jellyfish, he continued to struggle with basics.

I was so frustrated.

My husband asked if my frustration had more to do with what other people thought (or what I thought they thought) of me and my parenting than it did with our son's lack of swimming ability. (He knows me so well.)

That's when I realized...comparing kids goes both ways. Sometimes you come out looking good. Sometimes you don't. But either way, judging the quality of our parenting based on comparisons with others is a losing proposition. 

Each kid, each family, is different, with a set of problems and priorities and privileges not quite like any other. Often these variables are invisible to outsiders, making it impossible to accurately assess what we see in public. It's like comparing apples and oranges. What's the point? Any good or bad feelings you get out of the exercise are likely unwarranted.

Rather than being frustrated with my kid for not being like his peers, I needed to deal with him as an individual, and figure out what I could do to help him get over this bump.

So, I talked to his teacher. She suggested practicing at home. Duh. It was something I knew we should be doing, but hadn't made a priority. Now that changed! If we weren't able to swim during the day, our son did dry runs on his bed before going to sleep. He improved a little, but his fears persisted, distracting him during class.

I realized he needed a little extra motivation to keep his mind off his fears.

We bought him a toy that he really wanted, and told him he would get it when he earned his ribbon for completing the skill he was struggling with. Before class, I reminded him of the promised reward. "When you're trying to do your backfloat, and you want to roll over instead, think about that garbage truck toy! Remember that you want it more than you want to roll over!"

He ran up to me after class clutching his ribbon saying, "Mommy, I kept thinking about the garbage truck, and it worked!"

Now, I'm not advocating constant bribery of our children, but sometimes having something to look forward to can help cut through fear and panic.

After all, this is how God "parents" us parents. We are each unique individuals, and, just as the master did in the parable of the talents, he has given us each a unique set of responsibilities (a.k.a. children). Our job is to do the best we can with what he has given us, knowing that when he sees the return we have made on his investment, he will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You were faithful over a little; I will set you over much; enter into the joy of your master." (Matthew 25:21)

The truly great thing (which is sometimes the only thing giving me the courage to get out of bed in the morning) is that he doesn't leave us to do the job alone. One of my all-time favorite Bible passages is Matthew 11:28-30, where Jesus says, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Yes, parenting is hard and scary, but I have the best help I could possibly ask for. I don't need to compare myself or my kids to others to see how I'm doing or get an ego boost. I'm accountable to just one person, and the reward he promises is way better than any short-lived warm fuzzies gained at someone else's expense!

Back to swimming lessons: a few weeks ago our son FINALLY mastered all the skills in the Goldfish level. As his achievement was announced to the school, no one was cheering louder than me! It had been a tough class--for both of us. We'd both had some hard lessons to learn.

And now...on to Jellyfish! 

I wonder what we'll be learning now?

(Gulp.)

Resolutions & Relationships

Before you get on my case for not writing a blog post last week, let me tell you that I did write one, but decided not to post it. This is my second attempt. And once you read it I hope you'll understand why it's kind of appropriate that it is posted late.

2015. Wow. For someone born in the 80's, that number always seemed so far in the future. But now it's here, and I'm excited about having a fresh, new year stretching in front of me. I have a long list of resolutions that I am really excited about, which might surprise you when you hear about what happened with my 2014 resolutions...or, rather, what didn't happen.

When I quit my job at the end of 2013 so I could focus on being a mom, I had big plans for how I would spend the mountains of free time I would soon have. (Pausing to allow all of you moms to laugh hysterically. Are you done yet?) I read a book on making and attaining goals, made a long list of resolutions, and started 2014 confident of the changes I was going to make in my life.

I was so sure that with the right method I would be successful.

How short that dream lasted!

Shortly into the year, something happened which revealed to me just how deeply I had been affected by my exposure to false teaching as a child/teen. That shook my confidence and made me question...well, everything. My resolutions were forgotten as I entered a "cocoon" to use Del Tackett's term from The Truth Project.

Cocoons are dark and lonely places, but if you stay in them long enough, they are places that change you.

Just as I began struggling to identify and expunge the false teachings from my belief system, my pastor began preaching a series on legalism, which spoke to the core of the false teachings I was struggling with. It helped me see how stunted my relationship with God was because of these false teachings and the way they made me look at Him.

I didn't realize before that deep down I believed God was mean, vindictive, and demanding. I never would have said that out loud, but that is the way he appeared when the way the Bible was twisted and taken out of context by influential people in my youth.

Because of this wrong view of God, I served him out of obligation rather than out of love. I did the right things for the wrong reasons and in the wrong way, trying to accomplish in my own strength something that God intended for us to accomplish together.

He doesn't want that. It hurts him when I do so, when I see him in such a bad light.

I would never want my husband to do things for me resentfully, out of duty. And I don't do things for him because I'm afraid of how he'll respond if I don't--I do it because I love him! And best of all we love doing things together.

So also God will never ask me to do something on my own, without his help. He doesn't want me to do things for him to earn his approval or prove my worth to him. (Both are impossible anyway.) He wants me to do things with him because the most important thing to him is our relationship. 

These are just a few of the things I pondered from inside the confines of my cocoon, but I don't have time to go into them all. Suffice to say I emerged from that cocoon a different person, with a different view of God, a different belief system, and a different approach to life--and to New Year's resolutions.

As January 1 drew near, I spent a lot of time praying about the new year, seeking to know what God had planned. I began drawing up a list of resolutions, but this time it wasn't about what I hoped to accomplish. These are changes that I think God wants to help me make in 2015. I might be wrong, so I am open to him changing any of my resolutions at any time. But I eagerly anticipate watching him work in my life as our relationship deepens.

Already it's been exciting to see how he has helped with some of the resolutions, and the year has just begun!

Do you see now why I'm not discouraged about breaking my one-post-a-week resolution on the second week? I actually think it's kinda cool that the post about rules vs. relationships breaks the rule. (I didn't plan it that way, though--honest!) I learned from 2014 and I'm not being legalistic about my 2015 resolutions. I know there's no fool-proof method or system for for accomplishing the changes that God wants to bring about. Instead I'm trusting God to help me keep the ones he knows are important, and focusing on the long term change they are intended to bring about, rather than my short term success (or failure) in keeping them.

It's going to be a great year! :-)

Talking to Myself

I have a secret. It's a little embarrassing, but...I talk to myself. I always have, as long as I can remember, though I try to only do it when no one else is around. It was such a relief when my son Drew was born and suddenly I had an excuse for talking to myself. "I'm supposed to talk to my baby! It's good for his verbal and intellectual development!" I would mentally defend myself while strolling through the grocery store debating aloud the merits of various food choices. Meanwhile Drew sat oblivious in the cart, trying to unzip my coupon pouch so he could eat paper. So much for intellectual development.

All that to say...I've decided to transfer this penchant for self-directed communication into my blog. I've wanted to start a new blog for some time now, and have had no shortage of ideas. However, time and motivation have been in somewhat lesser supply. Since I'm a perfectionist and a planner (and a procrastinator) it was pretty much guaranteed that none of my ideas would come to fruition until my kids were out of the nest. And if I waited 16 or so years, blogs probably wouldn't even be around anymore!

I finally accepted the reality of my situation a few months ago. But I really wanted the writing practice and discipline of a blog. What to do? I finally decided to scrap perfection and planning, and just write about whatever! But not whenever. One of my New Year's Resolutions for 2015 is to write at least one blog post per week.

So this blog is really going to be me talking to myself. Maybe someday I'll have the time and motivation to start a topical blog aimed at being interesting to more people than just myself. But in the meantime, you are welcome to listen in, though you might be a bit bored occasionally as the topics will vary widely and therefore not always be relevant to everyone (or even anyone except me!).

2014 Kinstra Holiday Candle Fundraiser

Large Baby Food Jar Candles This holiday season we are very excited to be doing our first Kinstra fundraiser! We are selling candles to raise money to buy Christmas presents for homeless children. You can be a part of bringing a smile to these kids' faces by purchasing a candle package below--ALL profits will go towards presents!  For three years now we've been making candles for gifts and special events. It's something we really enjoy doing together, and we've always hoped that someday we could use our love for candlemaking to benefit others in some way.  Then in October Anna had the opportunity to work with a classroom full of homeless first graders. It was an eye-opening experience for her to see that children are homeless too, and we really wanted to do something to help these kids and others like them. Misc. Jar Candles - Small and Large We had just made a huge batch of candles for Christmas gifts, and ended up with way more than we needed. What could we do with all of these extra candles? After much discussion, the idea for Kinstra's Holiday Candle Fundraiser was born! FUNDRAISER DETAILS The fundraiser runs through Friday, December 12. To keep things simple, we're just selling packages of candles that all total about 20 fluid ounces for $15. One package = one gift for a child! Using the PayPal button below, you pick which sizes and styles you'd like, and the type of fragrances you prefer, and we'll put a package together for you!  What fragrances are available? We made candles in so many different fragrances this year that there isn't room to list them all! They basically fall into four categories:  Holiday (e.g. Christmas Hearth, Gingerbread, Harvest Berry) Food (e.g. Chardonnay, Creme Brule, Red Hot Cinnamon) Fruit (e.g. Coconut Verbena, Grapefruit & Mangosteen, Macintosh Apple) Floral (e.g. Love Spell, Orange Blossom, Sweet Pea) What candle sizes and containers are available? Small Baby Food Jar Candles We started out by upcycling baby food jars and that is still the primary type of container we use. Baby food jar candles are so cute and they make great gifts! They come with decorated lids which helps their fragrance last even longer. You can buy with with Merry Christmas labels so they're ready for you to give away. We also have some candles in other glass containers for variety in style and size. How do I pay? We're using PayPal so you can pay securely online with a debit or credit card. Just select your options below and click the Add to Cart button! Delivery If you're in the Phoenix area we'll deliver your candles by December 13. If you need them before that, or live outside the Phoenix area, we'll ship them to you (we'll send you a separate PayPal invoice for shipping costs). Misc. Jar Candles - Medium How much goes to the kids? All profits will go straight to Christmas presents for homeless kids!  Who benefits from this fundraiser? We will be buying gifts for the Angel Tree at the elementary school Heidi's mother-in-law worked at for many years. There is a homeless shelter near the school, and every year teachers select the students they know need help for the Angel Tree.  How can I help? Besides buying candle packages, it'd be awesome if you could share this on Facebook! Also if you have empty candle containers or scrapbook paper scraps that you'd like to donate, we hope to be able to do another candle fundraiser next year. The fundraiser is over so the PayPal button has been removed. Thank you to everyone who participated, and stay tuned for future fundraisers!

To reprint, or not to reprint? That is the question!

I recently removed the purchase option for my book, The Ghillie Girls: Irish Dance Pals. Not because I no longer wanted to make this book available, but because I'd almost run out of printed copies, and wasn't sure if I wanted to print more. Why? It's kind of a long story.

The Ghillie Girls was a personal experiment in self-publishing. I've always wanted to write books, and when I finally had my first finished product, I did a lot of reading about publishing options, and it seemed like my book was a good fit for self-publishing. It had a niche audience and my graphic design training gave me the various skills necessary to pull the book together, from writing to illustrating to layout to cover design. I thoroughly enjoyed the entire process, and am thankful for my husband's support as I poured a lot of time into completing the endless details (there was always just one more thing to do!).

I learned a lot through The Ghillie Girls--including a lot about the joys and difficulties of self-publishing. Putting together a good book is only the beginning. Even once you've found a good printer -- and I had a great experience with InstantPublisher.com, who I highly recommend; they are affordable and great to work with -- you've only just begun the arduous process. Then you have to find people to buy your book! And that wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. You have to be willing to put a LOT of time and effort into marketing your book and seeking distributors. Quite honestly I ran out of steam after several months of failed (expensive) marketing attempts, and then as life just kept getting busier with the addition of a child, etc., I found I didn't have the time needed to adequately promote the book.

That isn't to say that The Ghillie Girls hasn't been successful -- it has sold almost 600 copies, which, while far less than I'd dreamed of, is actually a pretty decent showing for a niche self-published children's book. But I measure its success not in the number of copies sold, but in the emails I receive from parents and teachers and grandparents telling me the impact that the book has had on the little Irish dancers in their lives. Knowing that my book has touched a young life is such an amazing feeling!

Unfortunately, I can't find a place to input "feelings" in the spreadsheet I use to track income versus expenses for this little experiment of mine that is now almost five years old. Which is why I was seriously considering letting The Ghillie Girls die a natural death when I ran out of printed copies.

However, I've received a few emails encouraging me to keep the book in print, and some orders to financially justify the investment. So I am happy to report that I will be placing another print order with InstantPublisher.com and will soon be returning the purchase option for The Ghillie Girls!

I suppose that the lesson I've learned with this book is very similar to the message of the book -- it's not about selling tons of copies (winning lots of medals) but about the lives touched (relationships/memories formed) -- that's what makes it worth doing!